HIF 39

If You Lean on Me

He still didn’t seem fully awake from sleep.

Seon Yi-han tilted his head slightly and blinked his eyes slowly. Large, teardrop-like tears streamed down his cheeks.

Beneath them, on his pale neck, red droplets of blood were already clearly forming. Even though I had quickly pulled my hand away, the skin was torn quite deeply from how hard I had scratched.

“Seon Yi-han. Hey, wake up.”

I let go of the slender wrist I was holding and patted his shoulder a couple of times. Could he really be this out of it?

I carefully wiped his cheeks, already flushed red from crying. Hot teardrops fell one after another, wetting my hand.

“It was a dream. You’re okay now.”

I hugged Seon Yi-han facing me and patted his back. Seon Yi-han leaned weakly against me. His expression looked dazed, as if nothing was wrong, but a slight tremor came from his delicate body.

As I warmed Yi-han’s sweat-dried, cold clothes with magic, I quietly opened my mouth. It was better to ask while he was still half-asleep. He’d definitely try not to talk about it later.

“What kind of dream was it?”

“…Me.”

Seon Yi-han continued his words haltingly.

“What I… have to do….”

His voice faded. After saying that much, Yi-han tightly closed his mouth. Then he slowly shook his head leaning against me. The forehead touching mine felt a bit hotter than before.

“…I don’t know.”

“It’s okay. Don’t cry. If you cry more, you’ll get a fever, Yi-han.”

“……I’m not crying….”

He’s not even fully conscious, and he says that? No matter what, it must be a habit to always say he’s fine.

It seemed like I wouldn’t get an answer even if I asked more, so I quietly patted Yi-han’s back. How much time passed like that? Yi-han’s body suddenly stiffened with a jolt.

“Hey, Seon Yi-han. Are you awake?”

“…Huh?”

The body leaning against me slowly pulled away. Seon Yi-han lifted his head and met my gaze.

He still looked a bit groggy, but his eyes were clearer than before. Tear marks were distinct around his eyes, which had a reddish tinge.

“Does your neck hurt?”

When I asked that, Yi-han gently stroked his own neck with one hand. The congealed blood smeared faintly onto Yi-han’s hand.

Yi-han stared blankly down at his blood-stained hand. He had an expression of not understanding. I quickly grabbed his wrist as he tried to bring his hand back to his neck.

“Don’t touch it.”

“It doesn’t hurt. But why…?”

The eyes directed at me wavered as if bewildered. He really doesn’t remember at all.

I couldn’t be sure if it was better to inform Yi-han of the situation. If he had forgotten it this completely, it might not have been just a simple dream. It could be a memory he buried deep because he wanted to forget…

But to explain the wound on his neck, I had to tell him at least a brief version of what happened. I brought it up as calmly as possible so he wouldn’t be startled. As soon as I finished speaking, Yi-han opened his mouth dazedly.

“…Ah.”

Ah? That’s it? Yi-han shrugged his shoulders as if it was nothing, then slowly lay back down on the spot.

“No, Yi-han. Get up for a second.”

“Just a little more sleep…”

“Okay. It won’t take long. I’ll just treat the wound, then you can sleep.”

I had hoped he wouldn’t be startled, but such a nonchalant reaction was disconcerting.

Come to think of it, Yi-han didn’t seem to care much about himself. Even though he was attentive enough to use healing magic on us regularly.

I sat Yi-han back up and summoned the things needed for treatment. Yi-han quietly looked up at the medicine bottle floating in the air.

As I wiped away the gradually drying blood, the wound became clearly visible. I carefully applied medicine over it and wrapped a white bandage around it. Yi-han’s slender neck looked even more pronounced.

Even though it must have stung quite a bit, Yi-han didn’t even show a slight frown. Throughout the treatment, Yi-han, who had been watching me, opened his mouth with a half-lidded, drowsy voice.

“Why is your expression like that… I’m fine. …I don’t even remember.”

The fact that he didn’t remember was the problem. And thinking that was okay was an even bigger problem.

Time from the past doesn’t just flow by like a passing breeze. It drifts heavily overhead like dark clouds, pressing down on a person with its weight. Whether you remember that event or not.

There are times when burdensome emotions pour out from that layered, accumulated time. Pain, regret, things like that. At those times, you can’t help but become soaked in that spot and collapse for a long while.

But, if you can’t even find the reason while submerged in that time, how alien and terrifying would that be? Perhaps that’s why Yi-han is so desperately turning away.

With a heavy heart, I looked at Yi-han. Yi-han continued, still scrutinizing my face.

“Were you that surprised…?”

“Yi-han. You don’t know what’s important right now.”

Upon hearing my words, Yi-han made an expression as if pondering deeply. It shouldn’t be something to think about for that long.

Maybe the reason Yi-han was so thoroughly indifferent about himself was because, deep down, he knew he couldn’t handle it.

If it had been buried for a long time, he probably couldn’t even find the starting point in that tangle of memories anymore.

But how long could he hold out like that? Until he eventually completely collapses under jumbled emotions he can’t even understand?

After thinking hard for a long while, Yi-han opened his mouth with a puzzled face.

“Min Joo-hyuk. Are you sleepy too…?”

“Yeah. Just sleep, sleep.”

If that’s all he came up with after thinking that long, I should have known. He doesn’t even consider that I might be worried about him.

I gently wrapped my arm around Yi-han’s shoulder and pressed down. Yi-han plopped down onto the spot without resistance, following my touch. The eyes looking up at me clearly still sparkled transparently, as if filled with tears.

Looking down at Yi-han, I opened my mouth.

“Weren’t you surprised?”

“…Yeah.”

I expected to hear this answer. Still, I had hoped otherwise.

I gently tousled Yi-han’s hair. The hair damp with cold sweat had already become fluffy.

“Okay. Sleep well, Yi-han.”

“…You too.”

The bandage wrapped around Yi-han’s neck came clearly into view.

Suddenly, I thought this: I hope you don’t collapse alone with such a calm face. I hope you don’t turn your eyes away from yourself.

I didn’t know any way to sweep away the layered, accumulated past time. Because the past time was too heavy for me too.

Midnight nightmares and memories left as trauma weren’t unfamiliar. Even though it’s something that happened a very long time ago now. Even though there were people by my side to lean on back then, I suffered for a long time, and I still occasionally recall that time.

Yi-han, was there someone in the temple who reached out a hand?

I know that if there’s even one place to lean on, even if it’s painful, you won’t completely collapse. So if the day comes when Yi-han is forced to face overflowing memories, I wanted to be that place for Yi-han to lean on.

Until then, I’ll be by your side as you sink into past time without even knowing the reason. I’ll support you countless times.

So I hope you don’t endure that time alone.

The face of the sleeping Yi-han came into view. I clenched my fist tightly, then opened it.

Somehow, my heart felt unsettled. It felt like the vivid sensation was still lingering on my fingertips. As if the hot, falling teardrops had left an afterimage.

◇

“When are you going to unwrap this?”

Seon Yi-han, rolled up in the blanket, asked me in a trembling voice.

Even after that incident, Yi-han stubbornly insisted on being alone when sleeping.

He even tried to lay me down on the bed and put me to sleep every time he went to bed. I wonder if he does this to the other hyungs too.

I lightly poked Yi-han’s cheek. His warm, soft cheek sank in deeply.

“Hey, Min Joo-hyuk.”

Yi-han, unable to move because he was wrapped in the blanket, put on a somewhat serious voice. There was still a long way to go, but his attempt was commendable.

Yi-han’s eyes were half-closed. It seemed like he would fall asleep soon. It was time to stop teasing him.

Well, having someone next to you while sleeping could be burdensome. Since Yi-han said he didn’t like it, there was nothing I could do. I could only come by occasionally to check on his condition.

I unwrapped the blanket Yi-han was rolled in and neatly covered him with it. Then, a sleepy voice slowly flowed out.

“You can stay if you want. Actually, I don’t really mind…”

Yi-han slowly closed his eyes as he continued.

“What’s so fun about staying next to me? When do you sleep? …Aren’t you tired?”

After mumbling to finish his sentence, Yi-han soon fell completely asleep. How does he always fall asleep so instantly?

I quietly sat back down on the chair. Since Yi-han said he didn’t mind me being next to him, there was no reason to decline. Even if he was half-asleep.

“I’m not here for fun.”

I spat out a late reply. The small voice with no one to hear it quietly mixed with Yi-han’s even breathing. I gently stroked the back of Yi-han’s thin hand.

I was always confident in waiting. Until you lean on me first, I could stay in this spot for however long it took.

◇

After a long while, Seon Yi-han’s eyes snapped open.

‘How much time has passed?’

Maybe because I slept deeply without dreaming, my body felt refreshed. The blanket that had been rolled around me was also neatly covering me. Min Joo-hyuk must have unwrapped it after all.

‘Wait. Min Joo-hyuk?’

I turned my gaze. Min Joo-hyuk was sitting leaning against the chair right next to the bed. He had his arms crossed and his head slightly bowed. He seemed to have dozed off for a moment.

No, was he really right next to me? There are two beds, I don’t know why he doesn’t use one.

‘Sleeping like this would make him more tired.’

Still, I couldn’t wake him up. He looked very tired, so it was better to let him sleep a little longer.

I unfolded the blanket placed on the table and lightly draped one over Joo-hyuk’s shoulders and another over his knees. Normally, he would have woken up already, but it seemed like fatigue had piled up a lot.

The sound of Joo-hyuk calmly inhaling and exhaling seeped into the silence. I sat leaning against the head of the bed and looked at Joo-hyuk’s face. Joo-hyuk had a serene expression, as if he wasn’t dreaming.

‘He said I had a nightmare.’

It really was something I had no memory of.

But wasn’t that actually better? There’s no need to remember nightmares. And if I’ve already forgotten it, it wasn’t important anymore.

I raised my hand and unwrapped the bandage around my neck. I stroked the spot with my fingertips. I felt the unfamiliar texture of the healing wound. Even though my skin was being rubbed by my fingertips, I didn’t feel any pain at all.

‘Not being able to feel pain.’

That was also a good thing. It meant no wound could give me pain. Of course, excluding the System’s Penalties.

“Right, Joo-hyuk? It’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

I uttered quietly, almost whispering. Joo-hyuk was still asleep. With no answer coming, my question circled emptily in the air before scattering.

Nightmares I can’t remember, pain I can’t feel. Not a single bad thing remains for me, so why did you make such a pained expression back then?

I slid down and plopped onto the bed. The blanket touching my back was still soft. I looked up at Joo-hyuk’s face.

Suddenly, Joo-hyuk’s eyes snapped open. His gaze met mine exactly.